You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize