At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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