tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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