my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
