At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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