I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
