The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
