Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
it hurts more in the daytime
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
