Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
