he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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