I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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