This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
