in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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