You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
