I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
