I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
