i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
