After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
