Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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