Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
