guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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