yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
