i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
