I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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