it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize