Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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