I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
