please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
