walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
