Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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