I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
NoShamevember. You game?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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