You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
