Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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