I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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