Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
