did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
