I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
