If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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