I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
