we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
