My room smells like vodka and shame
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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