guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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