I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
