yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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