I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
