those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
