i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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