I puked a lego.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
