I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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