my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
