so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
zippers are such a cool invention
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
