So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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