You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
