im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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