he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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