There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize