Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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