yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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