You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have aggressive nipples.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
