I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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