Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
