So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
this just has baby written all over it
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sext me about skeletons
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
