so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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