I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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