you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
